Hear me out. I've thought about this long and hard. Especially long. Keep that in mind. Hours and hours. All in one go. I didn't even have to stop for a few minutes to get a glass of water or something.
Here are some of the points I've thought of that I could argue make us not only compatible, but possibly the perfect couple ever conceivable.
Point the First: We are both beautiful people.
Honestly, this is the first one that comes to mind. You're absolutely gorgeous, and I myself am as well, possibly even a bit more, and that's being modest. If I were anymore humble I'd be saying things like "Possibly not the sexiest man ever to live." So self deprecating, I know.
People would pass by us and heads would turn. Cars would crash and children would cry out in jealousy. We'd be the man and wife equivalent of a train wreck, except at least three times as sexy. And you can only imagine what our babies would look like. You'd probably birth beings of solid gold and silver with precious gems for eyes. (as a sub point, I promise not to sell our children on the black market, even in the case of this outcome.)
Point the second: I love your music
It's true. I can't get enough of hearing you sing. I'll listen to all of your tracks on one sitting and just enjoy the whole thing. Sometimes I'm wearing pants, sometimes I'm not. It's really a gamble. In both situations, I promise it's all about the music though.
I can tell from your music that you love to sing. This is good, as when we're married I expect you to carry out your wifely duties of singing around the house (And in an odd turn I enjoy cooking, so that would be one hell of a switch! I wouldn't get the opportunity to say "BACK IN THE KITCHEN" but you would. Man, we'd be a progressive couple.) And since you'd enjoy the singing I wouldn't need to say, lock you in a cage like a songbird and provoke you into singing until I'm pleased. That's terrible.
In fact, I like your music so much that I think you should hear my version of it. I've recorded three cds, just like you. In fact, I simply redid all your songs, track by track, sung by me with a toy keyboard replaying the background music, and released them unlicensed. I think you'd love it. We're both music lovers, so this would be great.
Point C: My love is unending.
You don't ever have to worry about that spark running out of our relationship. I promise I'll never let it die. I'd do anything to keep it going. Anything short of a double suicide pact that is - hahahahaha(unless you REALLY wanted that, if course.) And to ensure this, I'll never give up on you. You can wave those silly divorce papers and restraining orders that you kept joking about in my face, and still my love will be undying. Forever. Til the ends of the Earth.
Point 4: I'm not crazy
Just because I happen to be typing this from a padded room with a man overlooking my every word and sighing in disgruntled abandon means absolutely nothing. The man is my father, and I simply happen to enjoy literally bouncing off the walls. It's a past time of mine, one that really irritates my handlers.
Point 11: My mad skillz
Especially in Super Smash Brothers Brawl for the Wii. Seriously, you should see me play sometime. I'm pretty awesome in the game. And the best part isn't beating other people in the game, it's telling people online that I did.
Point 5: My sense of humor
For you Ms Carlton, and anybody else reading this who hasn't figured it out, this was all me joking around. I'm good at that. I don't take anything seriously. I'm loads of fun. That's the best thing about our marriage is that you'll never be bored.
With this marriage, you'll get these things and much more. More than you could imagine. Like, how when you go to Olive Garden and get the endless soup and salad and breadsticks and they bring it out to you and you go "I'm gonna eat like 40 of these" then by the time you get to set number 5 you go "goddamn this was so much more than I imagined. It's fantastic but I don't know if I can handle this because of how awesome it is."
That's basically how it'd be. Endless Roshi and Awesome (and breadsticks).
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Should the real Vanessa Carlton actually come across this, shoot me a message and let me know how funny/disturbing you found it. Preferably not in the form of a restraining order.
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1 comment:
Of course I'll marry you! I thought you'd never ask! <3
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